Christianity?
I remember when I was about 6 years old the yellow buses would ride through our neighborhood and pick up all the kids, take us to this huge warehouse and preach to us about God. They would feed us and were especially nice because I’m assuming we were considered to be underprivileged kids. I was privileged enough to go to Catholic school most of my young life. I had to wear a uniform and learn how to kneel and pray, Lent from Ash Wednesday to Easter.
My mom talked about the bible all the time and she knew her stuff. I recall going to church quite a bit in my young life, but it was short-lived. But it was enough for me to develop a relationship with spirituality but at the time I didn’t know what spirituality was. I would talk to God all the time. I always felt we had a special relationship, but it wasn’t until years later that I would figure out exactly what it was. But first it would go against everything I believed in.
When I was twelve my life changed. December of “85” I stayed home while my Mom, brother and sister went to the flea market. My mom would sell things at the flea market every weekend. This day I chose to stay home and watch the undefeated Chicago Bears. Later that after noon they came home with bandages on their faces. They never made it to the flea market, but were coming home from the hospital. They were in a car accident in the wrong neighborhood and my brother had to fight two grown white men in defense of my mother and sister. That particular situation was the beginning of who I am today. I questioned who I was as a black person, I questioned who the police were and I began to question the church. The questions in my mind were very diminutive. I was only twelve.
Later my question about Christianity was simply “Says Who?” There were so many things that were not making logical sense to me. I never questioned God only church and religion. I was struggling to do this because everyone was telling me not to question them, but I felt if I was going to give my life to this why not question it? The older I got the more political I became. The more I began to read pro-black books the more my mom and I clashed. Although my mom was hardly a complete Christian at the time, she would always say that God would punish her worst because she knew better.
July 27th 1995 I was put to the test. My mom was in the hospital. She had an aneurysm while at work. At the time I was not sure what that was so I rushed to the hospital. When I got there I saw my sister and my mom’s friend. The doctor pulled us in a room and explained that they were trying to stabilize her so they could perform surgery; but also informed us that even with surgery she would never be the same again. “Huh? What does that mean doctor!?” “That means if you’re mom comes out of this she will not be able to speak or communicate or do anything for herself.” “So you’re saying my mom will be a vegetable?” “We try to stay away from those terms, but she will be comatose.” Wow, now the reality of the situation had set in and I was not sure if I wanted them to perform surgery on her. What’s the point of her being alive if she can’t live?
I saw a white priest walking through the corridor of the hospital. A voice in my head said “Ask him to pray for your mom.” No! I’m not doing that! The voice said, “This maybe the only chance you have to save your mom.” I followed the priest and at the right moment asked him to pray for my mom. He walked me to a corner, held my hand and prayed. I thanked him.
Until this day it’s an uneasy feeling for me, I would’ve felt better if the priest had been black. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t. It’s simply because I have a better understanding of things spiritually. If I could do it over again I would go into that hospital room, hold my mom hand and spiritually connect with her and wish her well. My mom’s death was needed and until this day her death has not gone in vain. Call it an ill twist of fate. There was something in me that wanted to have that experience. It was something in me that needed that tragedy. My life started the day my mom died. Anytime before that I had no idea of who I was. I was not a poet or a writer. I was a young man walking down a dark road with no purpose. Christianity played no part in this process. Christianity only pulled me further away from my purpose. Religion made me feel like a dog chasing his tail.
The Point ↓
When I lay on my death bed I can rest easier knowing I’ve served my purpose to the best I knew how. I feel I can die peacefully and say to God/Universe “Thank you for allowing me to serve my purpose.” If you’re a Christian make the full commitment to be one. All I ask is for you not to be afraid to question what may be your salvation but don’t judge the one’s who do.
~D-Revolution
www.D-Revolution.Org
December 6, 2011 at 4:44 pm
everything has a balance. you have to know who you are, where you are going, and what is the best way to make that journey. this is something you can only do for yourself. at the end of the jouney, you have to account for your actions (or lack of actions). So, whether you choose to be a Christian, a Buddhist, a Muslim, a spiritual being, or whatever, be the best one that you can. And when it’s all said and done, take responsibility for your actions and accept your fate.
December 4, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Christianity as with so many other religions can be a help or a stumbling block. Most people prefer religion over spirituality because you can’t see spirituality with your physical eyes. Religion gives your something to hold on to whether it’s a book, a church leader or church activities. Some people define their walk with God on their standing in the church. If everybody in the church says you are righteous, a good brotha or sista or steadfast in your walk then you tend to believe them and therefore believe your relationship with God/Universe is secure. Church becomes a bubble for many people. Some people take the Church to be reality and reality to be a fantasy. I worry about these type of people because they are the ones who are truly lost. Without being connected spiritually (understanding that reading your Bible, praying and going to Church don’t make you spiritually connected only a professional at rituals and checking off the “God list”) you can never truly understand who you are as a spiritual being nor your spiritual walk with the most High spiritual being. Religion has it’s place as does spirituality. The key is to understand both and in so doing find balance in both. Those who are able to do this are truly powerful. I am not one of them yet.
As always D-Rev, you bring out the root in me and give me a platform to release. And I thank you.